May. 29th, 2012

carmillamurray: (Default)
I had some woe is me today... 

As I said in a different blog:

Very disappointed and upset with myself, Not only have I not lost weight, I've gained back everything previously lost and then some. I have a new "highest" weight.

It's very upsetting, because every time I do this I swear it's going to be the new high. and then a few years go by and I reach a new "peak" weight.

And then I lose some weight, usually about 20 lbs, and I "plateau" and then I give up. And then one day I notice clothes don't fit like they "normally" do and I weigh myself and I'm at a new high weight.

I'm 5'4" and I weigh more than my 6'2" father right now. My arthritic, asthmatic mother can do stairs better than I can.

When will I finally hit rock bottom?  when will even I say, I can't take this anymore?

And before people jump on the Think positive band wagon, I weigh 311 pounds. 
If I lose 50, I'm Still in the BMI range that's morbidly obese. 
If I lose 100 I'm overweight/obese
If I lose 150 I'm still in the overweight category based on my height. (not very much) 
It's incredibly daunting, and when I'm feeling shitty about it I don't want people telling me to be positive. I want people telling me I'm right, it's overwhelming. 
I want people to understand it's not "just a few pounds" It's a whole fucking person. 
I want people to understand that When I can't do a flight of stairs I feel like shit and I know losing this weight will help with that. 

But Until I can do a flight of stairs, wait for me at the top, but don't look bored when I finally get there. Don't praise me like a fucking toddler either. I should not feel like the greatest accomplishment on the planet is ascending a flight of stairs. 

I'm going to cry and be moody. I'm going to be that way because I'm having to give up my stress coping mechanism. It's not you, It's me. 
If you see me eating something "Bad" don't chide me, Maybe I've budgeted my whole day for that as a treat. If you see me eating it for a whole week, then chide me. don't tell me, carrots, diet soda, Sugar-free gum, water, rice cakes, don't tell me to try substitutions, I've probably Tried everything, I've been on diets off and on since I was 15. I can almost guarantee I've been doing this longer than you. 

I know, I need to burn more calories than I take in. 
I know everything I need to do. But it's like an alcoholic looking at a bottle, or a junkie looking at a hit when I look at a menu. 
The difference is my addiction will kill me slower than theirs. 

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carmillamurray

December 2012

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